Thursday, August 9, 2007
Fans miss bee hive
The new English Premier league starts on Saturday 11. Harry Potter, Foot and Mouth, Iraq, Terrorism will all fall before the this league of ultra-ordinary gentlemen. Various teams promoting football's version of eugenics will steadily draw out more raw talent from around the world to create this season's Uberteam.
Millions will be dispersed throughout Europe at speeds that no non-superhero tax collector can ever compete with. These amounts will be dutifully converted into Pounds or Euros. Heads of state, ex-heads of state, newspaper owners, Ice-hockey team owners, owners of small countries have now 'seen the light'. All sail to fair Albion [ or any team except Albion] to pour their gotten gains into the beautiful game.
Millions will wear their Team Strip, waddling from Giant screen to Giant screen, hawking the latest logo and the team crest around where'er they wander, stumble and fall. Like Knights of old en masse the motleys will chant , a chant that will begin in good-humour and end with Your'e gonna get your fuckin' bed slept in!
The Champions League will field Giga-teams, with a value equivalent to a lot of not-so-well-off countries, and we will become intimate with inept over-the-moon vocabulary , petulant managers, some wonderful football, and doubtless the new tattoos and hairstyles so integral to football today.
While the game ensues international corporate diplomacy will take place in the Executive boxes as various Mafians peer down upon their 'crew'. Losers will be dropped, then operated on , then played until their legs fall off. It is important to get some sort of return on the new Foot & lot of Mouth boys.
Over time each team will have a missing child who's news photo will display their fave team strip. This team will have a moral obligation to play their hardest for the victim[s] from their fan-base. Fans will be given part of a picture of the little person's face which they can hold up , all together, before the game. Hooligans ain't sooo bad. Opposing fans will be blamed for not supporting their victim icon and can then be 'nailed' for the crime by proxy.
Everton used to be nicknamed 'The Millionaires'.